I have been inspired! I need to do this otherwise i have a dark feeling everything i want to do with my life will be lost to time and put away in my box i keep in the cobb web infested part of my mind.

 I am to write a list today! and keep a journal of this list to add on to later, organising my thoughts on what i want to despratly do with my life before I kick the bucket.

Time to get creative and hope to finnish this list, at least the more important things on here

Like:

Start my own business, win a halloween yard decorating contest , have a child, backpack across Europe get back in touch with and hopefully become good friends with an EX or two  discover an egyptian artifact. i could go on and i want to... i need at least 100 things on that list!

what is everyones top things on their list?

 TODAY IS A COLORFUL DAY

I think im going crazy. Maybe just a little nuts. Sometimes i feel like such a horrible person and i dont know how to handle most of my feelings.... I love him with all of myself but someone else will always have a piece of me and when things go wrong i think of that person and start to feel for them again. I'm not sure that i understand any of this. How can you have such strong feeling for someone who treated you with such disrespect so long ago when you are happily living your life with another. I have a feeling that he knows exactly what he is doing to me and is just haveing fun. He always said it was fun to mess with my head.

Lonliness inhabits my soul

for the times lost to the world

for what seems unfinnished, not whole

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*******************~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To the most beautiful, kind , caring, and loving person in my heart. Thank you for saying "yes".Thank you for being an ever present constant amid the turmoil of the tempest we call life. You turn the shatterful rain of the storm into healing tears. Your looks could stop the rain altogether. Those looks, our contact of eyes speaks more than any long winded manifesto could no matter who the speaker would be. When the light of your eyes hits my eyes the scales that laid over saul's eyes are lifted and i am born anew in the quintessence of happiness let into my heart. This happiness floods over my heart like this increased love of ceaser after thte defet of Pompay. You are my genieve, my persephony, my daughter of the Natherby clan. Think of my love as this flower, opened in the sunshine of your love then picked and given to you in full May it not wilt! But like this flower you are to me Beautiful for sure. But what do i know of this flower, a present and a future it has but what of its past? what of your past? Your happiest and your darkest days. Our relationship has much faith and love but little shared occurence. I hope that when you find this letter that it brightens your day

with much love,

Dunkey!

*Did you mean it? Were your being true when you wrote those words? Or was it a manifesto your created out of the deepest darkest part of your mind only wishing to later hurt me in a way i can never recover? Was that your heart speaking or your forked tounge? If t'was true why then hurt someone you claim to love so? pure ignorance? or unwilligness to give your whole self unto me? So many questions with unsurpassed amounts of time lost.

*You haunt me to this day and will forever more do so. You! are my Raven¹.

¹Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!
  Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”~~~ Edgar Allan Poe

Your words like poison

you lips like fire

my tounge is swollen

this is the emptiness of my desire

super, fat, tuesday..... I'm lame

 nothing more.

The sky's fury showed dark purple and gray, there was no getting out this time. No I can't think that i have to fight. I am going to win, again and again and... this is too much. I can't go on like this i have to break the cycle, but how.

This will be the 6th time this has happened, its sunny and cold then, without warning the icy pit of light starts to burn, images melt away darkness strikes the heart of this place, my place. The swealtering heat becomes to much and i scream and fight, then it goes away. I would think it would be my haven from the lonely places of my domain, its always sunny. Not a happy sunny like some would imagine but a haunting hole, where the light only mocks those around it. Never free.

It's just so hot. This time i don't scream, if i do, the sun will come back and the cycle will live to haunt again. I'm going to end it this time.

The storm rages, wind whipping all around. Lighting strikes 10 feet in front of me. I run. There just ahead a farm house, whoever is inside can't turn me away, not if they saw the sky. I'll be safe, i'll be free. Maybe they will take me in, keep me, let me take care of their cows and chickens. Then i will be truly free.

A thought occurs, what if there isn't anyone inside, with all of these storms they must have fled far away by now. No, the animals i can hear them, surely they are put away, safe from this mountainess, shapeshifting demon.

I knock frantically, maybe they can't hear me. I burst in. Complete calm, no sound, no movement. No this isn't right there has to be someone here.

"THE ANIMALS!" i yell.

No the screaming has started, i can't it will never end if i scream.

Suddenly the whole shack rumbled under my feet and Wham i'm knocked to the floor, the powerful force of the storm, its was on me. Nothing was quiet now infact the booming was so loud my ears trickled with blood. It was time to do something i had to think quickly. I stripped down, i couldn't think it that heat. Then i saw it, cold and merciless out of the corner of my eye.

"yes," i told myself "now it will end."

In a blinding second i was gone rushing out of the house into the claws of the beast. It was quiet again i knew i had done it because the pain had subsided rapidly with myself screaming out, " I killed it, the beast the demon I killed it its over!"

With one final thoguht i blessed the animals hoping that their masters would return and they would be safe, while peace took me over and sereinty flowed through my viens

**************************

" I thought she was on constant watch."

"sir she was, she was sleeping and... and it just.."

" it just what, is that what you are going to tell her family IT JUST!"

"It ha.. happened so fast, she was asleep, then there was a flash on the monitor and then blood everywhere coming so fast. She mu..must have ha..had the knife under her pillow sir"

"well then, she did it she finally killed it, she had always said she would find a way but this...well she was mental and this is and institution for the mental i just thought she would keep fighting "

"Kill what sir"

"well the storm of course"

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Crucify Me

Fight me, deny me, and crucify me,

My sins are yours, they're not mine.

You make me what I am, evil at your command.

You send me to meet my challenger, whatever it may be.

I risk my life to line your pockets for nothing but pain and agony.



Three feet of chain with nowhere to go, there's not much here to see.

No time to play, its work, work, work, that's how life is for me.

Run the treadmill. Pull the blocks and hang there from the tree.

If my ribs feel a little thick, then not much food for me.



I'm in tip top shape, a muscle bound freak, with all the attitude I need.

I've got gameness several generations back. You should see my pedigree!

Pump me up! Hype me up! Throw me some bait! How about that young pup?

Watch me rip his eyeballs out; I need the taste of blood.



I've been hit. I've been beat. I've been left to die in the ring.

I've been sewed up! I've been ripped open and I've had several bones
broken!

I've scratched when I couldn't stand and I've stood up when I
couldn't scratch!

I've killed a few dogs and I've nearly died when I've met my
match!


you find amusement at my torn, hanging skin

and just when my body heals, you make me do it again.

Why couldn't I have been a happy dog with a master who shared some love?

Not some twisted psychopath, who owes his life to drugs.



I do this evil to earn my keep. Somehow, I must be fed.

The men in suits, they point at me and say they want me dead.

Even the lucky ones in happy homes who have never felt my pain,

must face the executioners because they bear my name.



I've grown too old now to fight in your ring

You've left me no chance, to ever be free

I lay in the darkness, no one at my side

my last fight I lost, my eyes no longer can see

this is what you have done, do you not feel shame?

I can no longer walk, run or play

you have a new puppy now, the one to take my place

the cold and darkness closing now, you have nothing to say?



I lay here in pain and my own blood

I still believe that you love me and I try to stay awake

But you kick me and wish me dead then tell them to tie the bag

The darkness is here now; I hope they catch you, for the new puppy's sake



Alan W Joslin

which came first the dog or the scrambled egg....is it ...Scrambled eggs smell like dog or ... Dogs smell like scrambled eggs, i cant figure it out ! i dare someone to smell their dog and then go cook some eggs, its very unappetizing. We have new dog, a new child, there thats better she is a sweetie, maddison. We do not have room for anothr dog nor does our dog like other big animals. (she likes anything smaller than her that she thinks she can control, the cats have proved that wrong) however, what are you to do when you go to get your grandmother a cat and the employees happen to mention to you that that sweetie puppy face was born in a puppy mill, then moved to a shelter and now is going to be murdered because people are to stupid to get their animals FIXED! You are to get her and take her home, thats what you do.

I live next door to a drug addict and one of our good friends is a drunk. Its hard to live around so many that don't care when you care so much and feel the need to fix everyone and try to help. If they don't want your help then there is nothing that you can do. An alcoholic and having a baby, ain't that somethin'.

I'm not happy with the way things are going, i need to return to school i miss the atmosphere and i want to learn everything and anything. I want to fix the world and i can't. I want to help but people don't want the  help. I want to make money and have  real job and not be classified as the family MAID. I want to get that house finnished, but i am going to have to break a promise to get that done. Weight is funny you are never going to be satisfied. I'm fat and saw one of my old HOTT pictures and i thought i was fat back then, not so. I want to loose it and i try but i fail. I fail at plenty. Im good at cleaning and even that i get to lazy to do. That it im also good at crying and yelling and loving but what does it matter, i have no skills. My passions fall through into nothingness. I want to be smarter, smaller, happier. I want to be a photographer, but i don;t feel good at it. My husband, a sweet nuturing caring soul, very supportive. It means nothing when you can't give yourself that kind of credit.

I'm ready for a thunderstorm. She will be coming back soon, in a month, what then, nothing happened christmas, what abotu the summer, thats when things go wrong, what will he do. What will i do. Thunder and lighting, black rolling clouds, the smell of rain and anxiety.

Go to a wedding, you'll want one. Work with pregos, you'll want to be them.

I am FEMALE, i am strong, yet weaker, i am outspoken, yet more timid, i am smart, yet helpless, I am always right, yet .... well nothing i AM always right. I bitch i cry i talk sweet i love and laugh. And i like coffee.

I think its time to go out and have some sushi!

Blessed Be and Merry we meet again.